Ever got the feeling of pure negativity? Like everything around you seems to just pull you down or give you reasons to feel like you’re never good enough? That feeling of loneliness and failure? Sucks, right?
I can’t explain if I am going through a quarter life crisis or something. Well, I am turning 25 in two months and I just think the pressure is all poured down on me. Looking around me, it seems like everyone in my circle has leveled up and I can’t keep up with their pace in life. I can’t help but feel so down, so low, so not good enough.
Most of them have achieved a lot already and I am here, waiting for a miracle to happen. I don’t know how to clearly explain what I feel deep inside. Its the feeling that I need to prove myself to everyone. The feeling of the need to compete with everyone. For love, for attention, for recognition, for everything.
I don’t know if this would sound absurd to you but the small percentage of conceit that I have in me, that I’m pretty, I’m smart, I’m good at this and that, its all GONE. I feel like a piece of trash–ugly and of no use at all. I feel like I am not needed in my job and in other aspects. I don’t know. I find it so hard to be optimistic nowadays and thinking about all these makes me burst into tears.
I don’t know what I need. Honestly right now, I feel unsecured, taken for granted and not special for anyone, for everyone. I’ve lost every bit of confidence in me and all I can think about are what scares me the most and its pretty much eating me up.
I’m scared of what is to come. I’m scared to be alone. I’m scared to be rejected. I’m scared to become a failure once again. It seems that everything’s coming back to me. How I was before.
Isn’t it kinda weird that a 25 year old is feeling this way? I mean, I’m too old for dramas like these, right? Haha. But I just can’t help it. No matter how hard I try, I end up sitting alone, wondering what’s wrong with me or where did go wrong or whatsoever.
All I know is, right now, I just need security, assurance and a shoulder to cry my sort of quarter life crisis on. 😦